The Perfectionist killed her brain… (and how she began to save it)

I lead a life that is filled with a lot of expectations. Expectations that I push on myself. My whole life my parents have always told me that my best is good enough for them, but my best seems to never be good enough for myself. While it seems unlikely to people around me, I am low key a perfectionist. A lot of the times my perfectionism is what leads me to my failure. I want every situation in my life to be perfect and when I feel like it’s not going to happen, I sometimes will quite literally RUN from situations. If I don’t run, I self-sabotage or tell others I don’t care. It’s a weird defence mechanism I’ve picked up. Where if I tell others, I don’t care enough then in turn maybe I truly won’t care enough. If I know something isn’t going to be how I pictured it, I’ll just pretend I don’t give a shit. Not only do I set bars high for myself, but I also set bars high for how I think others are going to treat me. The bar that I set for others means it makes me constantly unhappy and filled with loneliness mixed with disappointment

An example is, I’ve had shitty friends in the past and so when it comes to birthdays, I always plan something big, but then when people bail, and plans go to shit I pretend I don’t give a shit about my birthday. It’s a big lie. I love birthdays! I think birthdays are a day you truly should feel so loved, but some of my recent ones have been filled with more heartbreak than love. Last year I was quite literally bricking it for my birthday. I planned different things for home and for my other friends, but it scared me how easily others will ruin the perfect birthday I’ve created in my head. Despite some hiccups, I had an incredible birth fortnight and made memories that will last forever. It leads me to wonder why I crave perfection. I know nothing in life is perfect but it’s so hard when everyone around me seems to lead these perfect lives.

I think I write about love a lot on my blog, and this is one area of my life that scares me. I don’t have love from a guy, I haven’t for a very long time, and it scares me that I may never find the perfect guy for me. What if I’ll spend the rest of my life craving guys who won’t want me and never fulfil the perfect life I’ve created in my head. I go for guys I can’t have because it hurts less when they are not the perfect person for me, it’s like I allow myself to pre-hurt, before they actually hurt me. I have an intense fear of abandonment., I have lost a lot of guys I have dated, but I’ve lost a lot more friends. This leads me to be fearful of relationship because I think that no one will stay due to me being imperfect. If I have a crush on a guy, I become obsessed with how I look because I fear if I don’t look perfect then they won’t want me. I like to push guys I care about away in fear they’ll see the perfect exterior I show to them is a lie. It scares me that all my friends are dating guys and girls that seem truly perfect for them. While I know they all have their ups and downs in relationships, it makes me feel like a failure. I can’t seem to get a guy interested in me long enough to want me, and so sometimes I’ll kill relationships before it arises in fear they won’t be perfect. Sometimes it feels like I am truly alone in the world and I’ll be perfect for no one.

I set unreal expectations on myself on how to be a perfect friend, which leads me to burn myself out quite easily. I have had many friends come and go in my life. Situations that some I couldn’t control and some I could. Which means I tried my best to do everything for everyone and then worry when I don’t succeed in the million tasks, I’ve given myself. Truth is no friend is perfect: everyone ends up saying a bitchy comment about a friend or bailing on plans. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Sometimes we expect too much from our friends because we’d do everything for them, but that’s an unfair mindset for both parties. You’ll lead yourself into a lot of heartbreak if you expect everyone to have the same heart as you. I’ve learnt instead of trying to be a perfect friend, to just be me. To be there and to care but to not put pressure on me. When a friendship does end, I’ve learnt instead of being hurt, to take it as a learning curve and know that I still have many other incredible friends who love and support me.

Why am I writing this you may be wondering? Well, when I started writing this, I was sat on a plane on the way home from my first girls’ holiday. I booked this holiday about 11 months ago and during those 11 months I hyped it up into a holiday it could never have been. I thought the holiday would cure some of the sadness that has haunted me the last university year, I always feel happiest in the sun and just wanted the sun to cure me. While I had some amazing times on the holiday, the down days had been bad. I got taken into hospital after having a very bad inner ear and respiratory infection, which has now resulted in me having double hearing aids. It crushed me because the ‘perfect’ holiday had slipped away, and I felt like it was my fault. I couldn’t have factored in that I’d get sick, but it made me regret the earlier nights that I’d came home early from nights out in the week instead of staying out partying with my friends. I kept telling myself I had plenty of nights to get super drunks but putting them off lead me to miss them. I don’t know what I was expecting from this holiday and I don’t think it would’ve ever been perfect, but I can’t help the feeling of failure. That I somehow failed myself and ruined a holiday. Don’t get me wrong I’ve enjoyed some parts of the holiday but I’m also sad that the things I looked forward to most were not what I expected.

Now you may be reading this and thinking ‘ah but if you’re a perfectionist you JUST want to do a good job at everything, so what’s the harm in the issue?’ The issue is whatever job I do will never be good enough for myself because there are always ways it could have been more perfect. Maybe I could’ve taken less time to complete it, maybe there are more aspects I could change to make it perfect. There’s always a maybe that could make the situations ‘better’. Meaning my best will never be good enough… Any feelings that come with accomplishment are sabotaged by my brain telling me that things could’ve and should’ve been done better.

So I decided to find out about how to stop letting my perfectionist habits kill my brain and this below is what I learnt:

One thing I noted was that I say ‘should’ a lot. Should is a horrible word that adds too much pressure on us. Like I should have a boyfriend now, I should be happier, I should have a better grade, I SHOULD be better. Truth is I shouldn’t be anything than who I am right now. Instead of dreaming my life away with unreal expectations I need to be accepting all that happens currently and be grateful for it. This last few months I began to remove the word should from my vocabulary, and it has allowed me to live in the moment more.

Next, quit comparing ourselves to everyone else. Nobody on this planet leads a perfect life and everyone is facing their battles. Some people I thought lived the best lives, actually were struggling just as much as I was. Stop comparing your behind the scenes to people’s edited and perfect life they show online. News flash: very few will share the bad parts of their life on the internet. I share some of mine, but I don’t share the nitty-gritty, simply because I don’t think that’s what people need to know about me. I’m a sucker for thinking that just because someone looks better than me in their no-makeup selfie means they lead a better life than me. They don’t. Your self worth is worth more than other people’s social media lives. If you’re struggling, in particular, with comparing, take a social media break. Sometimes I’ll take a week from Instagram and I have seen how much better I feel in myself. Social media has ruined some of our generations, I am telling you now the pictures on my Instagram are not how I look every day. I will take between 20 and 100 shots to get the ‘perfect’ Instagram images. The pictures I post I will scrutinise myself because I don’t think it is good enough for my followers to see. Truth be told none of you cares if I look a little chunky or if my pose is ‘awkward’, but the worry that I am not posting the perfect feed did lead me to be stressed. Now, while I’ll still take many shots, I post photos that I like of myself, even if they aren’t Instagram Perfection. Just remember as you scroll through the feed tonight that people will have spent hours on that photo, even their ‘woke up like this’ selfie.

Change your stance on your expectation. This is hard because if you’re anything like me you’ll give yourself incredibly high standards for what you want from life. This leads us to kill our self-worth when we (or others) don’t get to them. Instead of having our expectations as absolute goals, make them a guide. So that means if you don’t reach it there is less disappointment. If there a goal, just because you haven’t got to it today, doesn’t mean you won’t achieve it in the future either. The only true absolute goal is to prioritise self-love and continue to grow to be the best version of yourself.

Fight the inner voice that makes you question your achievements. Just know that what you have achieved now is the best you could have done in this state you’re in. I used to think for so long that when people said just do your best, that it meant the highest grade, but doing your best actually means do as well as you can in this situation. I got an A in my GCSE maths exam, which was my best then, if I resat it now I would 100% get a better grade, but that is because I have 5 more years of maths knowledge since then. Justify your actions to yourself by reminding yourself that whatever you’ve achieved is amazing and is one step closer to something even better. When I didn’t get the GCSE results I wanted no-one is going to ask me about them once I finish university this year. Lose the thought of you can always do better and replace it with thinking the things you have achieved currently are incredible.

Learn to say the word ‘No’. ‘No’ scares me and I’m not sure why. However, saying yes to every situation leads me to do an average job for everyone, instead of a good job for select jobs. Remember when saying no you do not need to justify yourself afterwards.

I guess this was a lot of rambling but what’s new on my blog. This next year I want to learn to accept the events of life for what they are and stop overthinking them. Which is going to be harder than I’ve made out it to be. I’m going to learn that perfection isn’t going to ever happen and that I should roll with what happens. I can’t change the way people treat me or how life treats me but what I can change is how I approach situations. I can change the craving of perfection and instead crave situations to bring me some happiness. After all, happiness is far more important than a ‘perfect’ life.

All the love always,

Queen Clo x

Love Island IS NOT Reality

Lifestyle, Mental Health

I am the biggest optimist who loves LOVE. So, I immediately fell in love with love island. There are many things that I’m not too keen on though…

When I first started watching love island a few years back I was in a poor mental health state, and really disliked my body. In magazines there were nothing like me and I could get over that because magazines were full of celebrities. However, a villa full of ‘normal’ people broke my self-esteem a little because I didn’t look like the normal person ‘should’. I have stood at a size 18/20 for a long time, partly cause I’m chunky but partly because I’m very tall too. When looking at love island there is no one who is as chunky as I am, they were all very pretty petite women which I couldn’t relate to. I read recently that love island bosses said the reason there was no bigger girls is that they want people to fancy each other… I as a big girl can assure you while I am still single, I have had many people fancy me regardless of my size.

Here’s me in a bikini last year in Florida. For so long shows like love island made me think my body was not a bikini body. Adverts on trains even showed me I could lose weight to gain the perfect bikini body. In reality, we all have a body, and we can all wear a bikini, therefore news flash we have bikini bodies. So while mine may not be what the love island bosses find attractive to look at, I know I’m proud of it. So, you know what, fuck you love island bosses for thinking that boys on the show wouldn’t fancy me. Remember, body confidence is embracing your body and not changing it to meet other people’s standards of beauty. There is no perfect body.

I hate that the world thinks it’s okay to scrutinise people on how they look and act on the show, we forget it is edited to manipulate what we think of the people, and we fall straight into the bosses hands. It’s important to remember that these are real people and when they come out they can see all your mean comments. So just remember if it isn’t kind it’s not worth tweeting, your few favourites, and retweets are not worth destroying someone else’s self-esteem. While you may say well they put themselves up to this by signing up to the show, you’re wrong. They sign up for fun (and maybe to get a little famous), they don’t sign up to be bullied. Let’s remember the tragic deaths of previous love islanders due to depression and anxiety, we never know what is going on inside someone else’s life, so remember always be kind. Also when we are unkind about the way people on the show look, it proves the love island bosses right and will push them further away from added real bodies to the show.

Some days, I feel so single, but it’s important to remember that love is hard to find. The people on the show seem to fall in love in under a day which in the real world is very unlikely (but not impossible). In the real world we don’t spend every hour of every breathing day with a guy or a girl we think is fit. So while you may think it’s taking ages to get the one, know it’s normal for love to take time. I have been single for pretty much my whole life and sometimes there feels like there is a pressure to be in love. It’s taken me a long time to accept there is nothing wrong with me for being single. Sometimes hard to understand that it’s okay to be single, but know while you’re waiting and enjoying life the right person will come!

Let’s enjoy this season and all it has to entail. Let’s hope for more ‘bevvy’ boys and girls, and that maybe, just maybe it may become more inclusive!

All my love,

Queen Clo xx

Dating at 20 SUCKS!

dating, Lifestyle, relationships, tinder

While I am only 3 months into my 20s, I already hate dating. When I was younger I had this plan in my head that I would be married by 25, and have kids by 30. Now I reckon I will be lucky to be married by 30 and have kids by 35. It seems that a) I am incredibly awful at dating and b) no boys want to date.

This is usually how dating goes, I fall for a boy and he doesn’t like me. When I was younger this snippet of Mean Girls used to make me laugh, now its far to real to laugh…

So here is my LONG list of reasons as to why dating at 20 is rubbish

1. Online dating is the worst. I have never hated anything more with a passion. Tinder is the worst place and while Bumble seems to have better looking boys I don’t think it is much better. One of my biggest worries is that if I talk to a guy online I am going to end up on MTV show catfish. I give up with online dating, if I am going to meet someone I am going to have to try the old fashioned way of meeting them in person… however hard that may be.

2. When you are single you are permanently mocked for having standards ‘too high’. I am incredibly picky in what I want in a guy, but that is purely because I am sick of disappointment. I could get with any guy and date them just for the sake of it, but if I don’t fancy them or see a future with them, then I am wasting both of our times. I would much rather keep my standards high and find the right person for me. If keeping my standards high means it takes years to find the perfect match, so be it.

3. Following on from the last point. Every guy I talk to seems to be so immature. It takes a lot of effort to wade through the idiots that are not right for you, and at 20 it seems that everyone is an idiot.

4. Boys are the worst at texting back…. Or they are the worst at texting back because they don’t actually have any interest in you… I think this era is hard to date in because unlike in the past we spend so much time trying to decode boys attention from how they are online with us, if they like our social media, if they text us or how fast they respond to a text. While I think if you are not getting many responses from a guy after a while then that is a sign that they aren’t interested in you. They could also just be busy… It is hard to distinguish but if you are regularly getting ignored it is probably time to put your efforts into someone new who will give you the same amount of effort back. You deserve someone who wants to talk to you and after all it doesn’t take long to respond to a text….

5. Nice boys are scary. Some nice boys are genuinely lovely, others use their nice boy pretences to get away with murder. Sometimes it sucks to date them, because when they do wrong to you all your friends stick up for him as ‘he seems so nice’. You and everyone else make excuses for he because he is NICE. Although he may have been nice originally, it doesn’t mean he’s always nice, so fyi if he is no longer nice bin him off. If you aren’t giving him a chance because he’s nice, maybe do?

6.It feels the only other place than online dating to meet boys is in clubs or pubs, and they are not good places to get to know boys. In clubs people usually have one goal and it is not to end the night married. Clubs are loud and are incredibly difficult to talk to someone in. Leading to people just looking for people with nice faces to hook up with. Clubs make me anxious because sometimes it feels like the whole club is full of boys judging how you look.

7. It gets to the point where instead of actually trying to find people to date, you just pretend to date them in your head. I have my whole life planned out with some boys, if only they knew it…

8. When you start talking to someone new and they ghost you off, you feel awful. I am an optimist, and sometimes it is the worst quality I have. I always hope and pray that the boy is different and he will like me for me. Only to be crushed back to reality and fill myself with sadness by picking faults in myself.You wonder what’s wrong with you and why they won’t want you. Was I too much? Did I want too much? I know in my heart that for the right person I will never be too if but right now all this rejection is hard.

9. It seems the whole world revolves around hook ups. I have never had a hook up and the social pressure to have one is quite intense. It feels like just because I haven’t had one there is something wrong with me. It sometimes leads to people trying to force you to get with any random-er that gives you attention, however I would rather not.

10. While my friends get into relationships and some start talking to new boys it leads to jealousy. Some of my cousins have started to get married and every wedding I go to I feel more alone. Above is probably me after watching a romantic chick flick.

11. The whole world seems to only want people with pretty faces and not with pretty hearts. So, after a lot of rejections you start to convince yourself that you are ugly and no one will ever want you. Online dating only looks at your face. In clubs boys only look at your face. It feels like there is no chance in the 21st century to date someone because of who they are and not what they look like.

12. Each heartbreak feels worse than the last one. You promised yourself you wouldn’t get into the same situation again, you wouldn’t fall again. You’d think by 20 you’d have learnt but you haven’t. It’s hard to keep putting yourself out that and face the same rejection. Some days your heart hurts and you think you’ll never find the one.

13. Fairly tales have taught us for years that Prince Charming will come and sweep us off our feet. When you reach your 20s, you start to release this probably won’t happen. To be honest, while I do want my Prince Charming I don’t want him to come and save me, because frankly I do not need saving. However it would be nice to have someone fight battles with you instead of alone.

14. In this day and age people can find your whole life on social media, which is scary as hell. So now even your online life is a chance for someone to want you, which is so scary. My friend Megan and I watched You on Netflix and it really was quite terrifying to see how easy it is for someone to stalk you online. It really does prove that you don’t know how trustworthy people are and that just because they seem decent, they may not really be who they seem to be…. (if you haven’t watched ‘You’ yet defo recommend, we binge watched in a day)

15. Some days it feels like all the good guys are taken (already!!!!!!) and all that is left are the ones that want to sleep around. Which is fine, if all you want to do is sleep around, but absolutely horrid if you want to be in a relationship. It is the worst thing ever when you start talking to a guy and think wow he’s great. Only to find out moments late that he’s great because he’s taken.

16. At the end of the day, true friendship will beat any rubbish dates, and so while I hold out for the ‘one’, I will continue to know my friends have my back.

17. I think the biggest lie I have ever been told is that you will meet the love of your life at uni, the boys I have met at university so far, are not boys who want to settle down. It’s gotten to the point where my friend Meg has now put a ban on me talking to Uni boys, cause even if she has a uni boyf the other uni boys are no good apparently (she’s not been wrong yet).

18. Boys suck.

19. At the end of the day, if I don’t find a man in the next 10 years…

20. I don’t have time for boys who don’t want me or for wondering if boys want me. I only have time to live my 20s to the fullest and have as much fun as possible. And anyway, your 30s are apparently the new 20s, I’ll try dating again then…

If you have read this and thought wow she’s the one for me (how could you not), I am taking dating applications over on my Instagram xoxox. (I joke but then I’m low key being serious….)

All the love,

Queen Clo xxx

Ps. NEVER LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS, YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST xxx

Struggling with Happiness

Lifestyle, Mental Health

I craved happiness just as much as the next person, but the past few weeks I realised this was making me feel more broken.

When you speak to many people about life, the vast amount of them will probably tell you the fundamental objective of their life is to find happiness… (and I was one of those people too). I think the thing that people forget most is that happiness is not a destination. It is a socially constructed mood, and like all moods, it is not going to last forever. It will come and go. It is NOT a permanent state. I honestly do understand why people crave it to be a destination, why would you not want to feel ‘happy’ all the time… but it’s not and it is incredibly hard to accept that. Until people understand this they won’t be able to truly get to grips with happiness.

We seem to spend so much time and effort forcing ourselves to find this feeling, and in the process make ourselves sadder than we started. Happiness is not a choice, and is not as easy to find as people lead themselves to believe. Having an attitude is a choice, being happy is a feeling, and people seem to get feelings and attitudes muddled up. Please remember that there isn’t ever going to be this cure and everything in your life is perfect. Happiness is simply a by-product of living, and not a state of mind you can force yourself to be in. What you can force yourself to have is a more positive ATTITUDE, which well help you find more frequent periods of happiness.

If you were to search happiness online on Amazon, I am certain you will find many books on how to transform your life in order to be happy. They all seem to miss the point that it is okay to not be happy all the time. It is okay to feel like absolute shit. BUT it is NOT okay to feel like shit because you cannot find happiness.

Some days I feel so awful and wonder what is against me. What is stopping me from finding this amazing feeling? Other days, I’ll feel on top of the world and wish I could bottle those thoughts and feelings. It’s called balance. As cheesy as it is, it is ok to have bad days in order to find good days. I can find it such a battle when I am sad for a period of time, and the pressure to be this ‘happy’ cheery person is sometimes made worse by feeling like I need to feel like this for others. Half of the battle with myself is wanting to be happy so others don’t worry about me. Lately, I have become good friends with my sadness. Sadness visits me quite regularly, some days it breaks me and some days I break it. I used to feel incredibly scared to have periods of sadness, not knowing what to do with myself and would desperately crave to feel better. It took some understanding in to why I didn’t want to be sad to change my mindset.

One thing that consumed me about not wanting to be sad, is the worry of how my friends will feel about my sadness. In my life at the minute, I have some very accepting friends, who love me even when I am sad but I also have some friends who don’t understand my sadness. I hate that when I am sad I need constant reassurance that I am still loved, and my sadness sometimes clouds the judgement I hold. That’s what scares me with my sadness and why I used to fight to be happy, is I am not sure what’s real and what my sadness has created. The thing I learnt is true friends don’t mind reassuring you that everything’s okay, and these friends have made the sad periods I have to be slightly less scary. I worry about my friends an incredible amount, I think because I know the battle with sadness can be hard, that I want to be there for them, like I needed past friends to have been there for me. I think I’ve got to the understanding that it’s okay to tell my friends I’m sad but it’s not okay to depend on them to make me feel better. For I have learnt that in the end, I can eventually feel better and HAPPY on my own. So, in short, what I’m saying is allow sadness to visit and then allow it to leave for happiness to come back. Don’t chase or crave the happiness, just wait patiently for it to return. Breathe. Spend time alone or spend time with friends. Go for a walk…. The other early morning sadness had gripped me hard, so I took myself on a walk of my TINY university campus (its actually quite scary in the dark lol)…. just to clear my head so I could sleep. The thing is I didn’t walk in order to become happy, I went on a walk to find some peace and then the next day I woke up feeling a little brighter.

It turns out, that some super smart scientists did some research and found that as people craved to be happy, they became more unhappy. The pressure and feeling of desperation to be happy makes people less happy. How ironic. Getting these books, losing that weight to make you happier, forcing yourself to do activities because you will think they will make you happier will get in the way of you feeling good.

I recently saw an article about ‘Post-Olympic Syndrome’, it spoke about the sadness that athletes feel after the Olympics. They have trained so hard for many years with their eyes on GOLD, and then after that, it is hard for them to see what is next. They’ve ‘lost their purpose of life’. It takes some time for them to get back to normal and understand that winning was not the happiness, yes it would have been amazing, but there were milestones and events that made them happy on their journey to the Olympics which they can focus on instead. My point is, that even after an athlete has won, there’s still a feeling of emptiness and what’s next. It is okay to feel empty after you’ve been happy, accept the period of emptiness but don’t stop living, keep going on with life till it returns… We need to put more emphasis on each journey of finding happiness rather than actually finding it. The journey back and forth from happiness is truly more significant in our lives than the actual feeling. We will always face sadness, but we will also always get periods of happiness too.

If you’re sad right now, it may not feel like it, but happiness will be on its way. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but she’ll be back soon.

As usual, enjoy some of my favourite photos of the past few weeks:

BRING BACK MY PINK HAIR?????

When your little cousin is also your best friend. What more could you want on a Saturday than a pj party with a unicorn…

I was bloody freezing in this outfit, but big love to Meg for taking me to Bristol to have a day away from university issues.

Army social was sooo much fun, however don’t send any of us to war, especially not Mollie Dicks….

I look like a toe but my favourite babes to not watch football with.

Jumper weather is here and I’m loving itttttt! My current favourite is this one, which my dad picked out when we were on holiday in Florida!!! CUTE!

All the love,

Queen Clo xx

Just uploaded this while at 5sos gig, please give it a nice comment and follow my blog💗

The freshers I fell back in love with my body….

Lifestyle, Mental Health, University

Before I actually start on this post, I need to discuss something else. I have had sooo many of you message over on my Instagram and by email, so here is me making a separate note instead of writing the same thing multiple times. Fresher’s can suck. Uni can make you feel lonely and can drain you, but it can also be the best time of your life. This fresher’s I have experienced big highs and the worst lows. I have had cocktails with the girls and been to some lush places with them, but have also cried in the smoking area on them. It is one or two LONG weeks of events, where you are constantly having to put yourself out there to meet new people. I struggle to gage where I stand with new people, and it makes my anxiety go wildddd. I worry that I am not spending enough time with people, I worry that the people I am spending my time with people who do not actually like me and I worry that at the end of it I will be left lonely. If you ask some of my friends I have panicked over very trivia things because there seems to be this constant pressure that you have to make fresher’s perfect. Spoiler alert, you do not. If you check on my Facebook and Instagram, you’ll see that I say am having the time of my life (a lot). That’s not a lie. Some days I am having the best time, but other days I am really not. However, it isn’t what I write on Facebook because it isn’t what I want people to know. SO what I want you to take is that, yes I loved fresher’s but at times I really hated it too. Understand that fresher’s will not be this miracle where by the end of it you have made all the friends you need for the year and you’re done. Its normal to feel homesick and contemplate why you’re here. Eventually this place your living will feel like another home and honestly when it gets to that stage you never want to leave.

This is my second freshers, and while last year I went to some events and made new friends, I can’t say that I loved it. This year it has been totally different. I have a new group of friends, my very own girl gang, and while we have now only been friends for 3 weeks, I couldn’t quite imagine university life without them. Its thanks to them that I feel more empowered (and that my bank balance is looking slightly poorer).

I would never wear crop tops, in fact I actually used to hate them. I didn’t feel I had the stomach or belly to make them seem attractive. Thanks to some drunken antics I wore a crop top on the first viper Wednesday (student night out), and while I did look fat, I didn’t hate that. We seem to shy a way from calling others fat, I always say wow I look so chunky but funky, and my friends will always be like oh no, don’t say that youre not fat. Truth is, I am, I stand at a size 18 and have more rolls than I will ever have abs, but I am okay with that. While I will rejoin the gym at some point, it is not because I want to be skinny anymore, id just quite like to be fit enough to climb stairs without getting out of breath…. (maybe that will never happen we will see). The thing the media has implanted into our heads is that we need to be skinny to wear certain types of clothes, we don’t. Why should I not wear what I want in fear of not being attractive to guys? Confidence is more attractive than my body ever will be.!!?!?!?!

I have learned to love my body, it is my home and it has looked after me. The thing is I have had to learn to love my stretch marks and my rolls, and it took me a long time to be comfortable. That’s why it used to scare me that people in the club would look at me and judge me, for they have not seen the stories that have lead to my body looking like this.

Anyway, here is a breakdown of some of the clothes that I have worn this freshers, bare in mind these were for themed events, I am mental but I wouldn’t normally dress up as Wally for night out by choice. For those of you that haven’t had freshers yet, be confident and stand proud.

Follow @charles_hammond1 on Insta x o x

All the love,

Queen Clo xx

World Kindness Day

Lifestyle, Mental Health

I have had this post about kindness in my drafts for a little while now and was unsure when best to post it, and at dinner being told today was ‘World Kindness Day’, it seemed like the perfect day. Enjoy.

I want to live a life that is beautiful.
A life that is worth people reading about, something that shows how successful I can be, and how I have accomplished many tasks. When thinking about if I was to write a story on my life the bits I’d include are the exciting and successful things. But thinking about the small acts of kindness I do on a regular basis, I question how much of a book they’d fill. I think kindness is beautiful and is worth reading about, even more than the greatest successes. Make kindness your plot of the story, the one thing that keeps you going when nothing else you do is going right. Make your whole life story be all about kindness, devout your life to it.

Kindness blog x It may seem extreme to devout your life to kindness, and you may think ‘well people have not always been kind to me, so why should I be kind to them’, but that’s the key to kindness, it’s something you do that makes you feel good too. The stance of they’re not kind so I won’t be kind leads to a negative situation for you and leads to negativity creeping into your mind. I urge you to continue to be kind even when others are not to you, spread kindness around like it is Nutella on toast. When you get up instead of focusing solely on your aspirations, you should focus more on how you can do them kindly and how you can have an attitude of pure kindness. When someone hurts you in any way, instead of finding ways to get back at them, refocus your brain and teach it to show kindness. It is more important to spread love and kindness than being mean to someone to hurt them too. Being mean may feel like a win at the time but in the long run, it’s not good, it doesn’t show you off in the light you wish to be shown in. Not only will you feel good about your actions if you show them kindness, you will maximise the amount of love you can achieve from the nasty situation.

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While I think it is important and beneficial to be kind to others, it is crucial to also be kind to yourself. I was once told ‘If you were speaking and treating your friends as you treat yourself would they still think you were kind?’, it made me see that I was always trying to be kind to others but was neglecting myself. In between being a kind person to others and running errands, are you treating yourself with the same amount of care? If not today is the day you start being kinder to yourself more too.

We live in a time where the world is so cruel, and it’s the small acts that people do on a regular basis that keeps the world going around. So today, at the end of world kindness day I ask you to do one kind act for someone else and one act of kindness for yourself. Life is too short to be a mean and uncaring person.

All the love,

Queen Clo xx

A Letter To My Future Daughter…

Lifestyle

Hello friends!!! Sorry for not posting in three months, oppss… Exams were rubbish but at least they’re over. After writing a letter style in an old blog post, I decided to do another one. I found it really enjoyable to write, I hope you enjoy reading it. A lot of family around me have just had children (by the way, they are soo fricken cute!!!!) and it’s exciting to think that one day (at least 10 years away haha) that I will have mini me’s around too!

Dear Future Daughter,

I want you to never ever beg ANYONE for love. You are worth all the love in the world. If no man or woman loves you at a certain time, remember I love you and I always will. There’s so much more to life than seeking the love of a significant other, you are whole and amazing on your own. Most importantly, I want you to love yourself. It can be so difficult but you will get there. If you love you and I love you, then it does not matter if no one else does.

Stand up for what you believe in. When everyone else sits by and allows things they don’t agree with to carry on, I hope you stand strong. I hope you put them right. One thing I am passionate about is educating others and helping others to see my points of view. I want you to educate me on what you care about but be prepared to hear other peoples views. Just because they are not the same as yours does not mean they are wrong. But, if you feel someone is being unjust call them out and even call me on things I say. I promise I will always support you and I cannot wait to one day learn from you.

Body image is hard, and I know you will face body issues like I have. It has taken me so many years to learn that my body is mine. I struggled with what to wear and how others looked at it. My body has stretch marks and is fat, but I will continue to dress how I please. I promise you are perfect and are a masterpiece. Your worth cannot be determined by your looks or weight, so continue to be nice. Your weight and your looks are merely nothing if you have a nice personality. It seems rubbish but I promise it is truly what is inside that counts. No one whats a beautiful person with a nasty mind…

Your mental health always comes before school. If you are struggling, talk to me. We can work together on strengthening you. If you don’t want to talk to me, I get it, but please talk to someone. There is no need to battle your demons alone, there will be someone that can help you.

People suck! They will break your heart into a million little pieces and pretend they’re not the one to blame. They will leave with a flimsy excuse and I know you will blame yourself but it is not you, baby girl, it will never have been you. They will be a coward and you just have to be strong. Do not let them question who you are. You have the ability to love and your love was never too much. They just were not capable enough to have all of you. While you struggle with a heartbreak you will learn so much about yourself, much more than you ever do when you’re at a high. I want you to cry about this person, I want you to cry until there are no tears left. As you stop crying learn from whats happened and begin to grow again. Your heart will heal itself and eventually, you’ll meet someone who is perfect for you.

Sometimes it is okay to disregard the opinions of others if they are not positive in helping you grow. This world is full of people that feel the need to judge the actions of others. You do not know what is happening with others so try to judge as little as possible love. The ones who truly love you will not stir up trouble in your life. Learn the difference between those who are trying to help you and those who are just trying to cause drama in your life. You do not need people who want to cause inconvenience in your life.

One comment I always have hated is how I am un-lady like. What the hell is a lady supposed to be like? If I or anyone else makes that comment ignore them… You are a lady and that does not define the actions you should take.

It takes less than 5 minutes to message someone to check if they’re ok. Text that person you’ve not spoken to in weeks but know is having a rubbish time. Your support could be important to them and if it isn’t, what loss was 5 minutes of your time for texting them…

Work your little butt off but remember to party harder. Whatever you want to do or be in life I will support you but you need to work for it. You get nowhere in life for free, you need to work for it all.

My most memorable moments have come from volunteering. Time is valuable and you don’t want to waste it, but volunteering is never a waste. Always help others where you can. I love working with the children I work with. I have learnt and grew from the children and adults I volunteer with. The skills you learn from volunteering are skills I could not have got from anywhere else.

Don’t do something because everyone else is doing it. It does not make you cool.

What ever happens in your life I will love you and always be there for you!

Love,

Your future loving mum xo

Hopefully, I will be back to posting monthly as I have many drafts, but they all need editing so we will see! Hope you enjoyed this post. If you want to know what I am up to when I haven’t posted in a while please check my Instagram Queen.Clo !

All the love,

Queen Clo xo

You should be loving someone…

dating, Lifestyle

I am a sucker for love. I love love. I love reading about love, watching films or shows about love and I love falling in love. You can fall in love with anyone and anything!!!

I love my dogs, so felt they deserved to be shown on my blog haha!

The most important person you should love is yourself, but this can sometimes be the most difficult person to love… When you fall for others, how much do you actually know about them? When I fall for the cute person I walk past, I know very little. When I fall for someone I may have been speaking to probably a little more. However, we may think we know lots about the people around us, but we don’t know what is actually going on in their head and what they truly look like. Just like they don’t truly know all about us either. With yourself it’s different. You know every lump and bump, scar and scratch, and ‘flaw’ that your body has. You know what goes on inside your head, and sometimes you may not like it. These thoughts can lead us to wonder how anyone can love us, and we make ourselves feel hard to love. There are nights that I will sit and think ‘jeez, I am a mess’, and it leads me to doubt how to love myself. Though I remind myself that I may have these imperfections, but that doesn’t make me any less deserving of love. I was always told that it is ‘what is on the inside that counts’, which on some days seems untrue, although luckily for us all it is. Looks will come and fade, it’s how your brain works that will always stay loveable. On days you doubt whether you are worth love, I promise you are. When feeling self-hate focus on your many positive qualities. Leave your harsh criticisms of yourself behind and instead look at your strengths and the amazing traits that make you, you. Side note, even if you don’t love yourself, you are still worthy of the love of others.

You cannot force someone to love you and you should not feel the need to beg someone to love you. Love is either there, or it isn’t. If someone doesn’t love you, it does not mean you should stop loving them. Just like you can’t force them to love you, you can’t force yourself to stop. They still deserve your love, even if they do not feel the same. This world is so full of hate, that I think it’s crucial we all spread a little love from time to time. There are different types of love, and we are all worthy of all of them. I have a different love for my family than I do for my friends, and I’ll have a different love with my friends than I’ll have to my future partner. It’s important to remember there are lots of opportunities to feel love. You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel love. I think this can be a common misconception amongst my generation. It’s like people are desperate to be in relationships, in hopes they will feel love, but they are missing the love that is all around them. If you feel unloved, look around you carefully. People do not have to say I love you, for them to love you. They may say ‘text me when you’re home’, ‘I appreciate what you do for me’, ‘don’t forget your seatbelt’, ‘drive safely’, ‘get some sleep’ and if you listen hard enough there are many more. If you look there’s many around you that love you.

For anyone who knows me, will know that I am a full on person, and this does not stop when I love. Sometimes this is good and sometimes this is bad. I think its important to not hold back when loving. It’s true that love can be hurtful, but I would rather know that I put all of my love into a situation and it not work out. Than regretting not putting all my love in. It can be so scary to love people and to in turn depend on them, but we need love and people to help us grow. Don’t shy away from love for the fear of being hurt, because doing this will make you shy away from finding happiness. You cannot help who you fall in love. Which means in some situations you will face the hell that is unrequited love!! Even if they don’t love you back in the way you wish, they may still love you in other ways! Remember, if someone you love is treating you rubbish you deserve better. Unrequited love will always suck, but you will get over it… I promise. Don’t let the fear of them not loving you back stop you from loving them!

All the love,

Queen Clo xo

Cry Baby Acceptance, Please?

Lifestyle, Mental Health

Hello friends! March seemed to have flown by and I’m not ready to be a month closer to exams… (Boo!!!)

“We need never be ashamed of our tears.” ~Charles Dickens

Anyone who knows me will know I’m the most tearful person to have ever walked the earth… I don’t even have to be sad to be crying. Anything and everything will make me spill tears. I like to think I’m the biggest crybaby… and yes, I am proud of this…

The above picture is when I heard One Direction’s new album, a year and a half ago, and it is safe to say I was very emotional… I was so happy that I couldn’t contain my tears. I think these tears were for the song ‘If I Could Fly’.

I HATE HATE HATE how people believe crying is a sign of weakness. I have many weaknesses, but my tears are not one of them. We seem to live in a society that is becoming more and more emotionless. We want to fit the mould of being happy and jolly humans, whose lives are perfect. However, this is not the case. We’re not happy all the time. It’s totally normal to be upset and to cry. It’s totally normal to need to cry every day too. We need to allow each other to cry and cleanse. We need to allow men to openly cry more too! Men have been taught for so long that if they cry, they lose their masculinity. Which is so wrong. We need to teach them that it’s okay to cry and it doesn’t make them any less of a man. Instead of laughing or mocking when they cry, we should simply offer support. Crying is not being weak, it’s being human.

Personally, I struggle explaining why I’m upset to people. I find it very difficult to articulate the right words to get across my emotions. Instead, I tend to bottle things up, which isn’t entirely healthy, but that’s just what happens. I know in my heart it is probably better to face the feelings head on, and so I have learnt to find my own way to cope. For me, crying is the way, it allows me to release the emotions I have stored up. The act of crying helps me to confront the issue I’m facing and eventually will help me move forward. It can help calm me down from the situation and make me feel at peace again. It’s like my own therapy. Sometimes, all I need is a long cry from a situation and then I’m perfectly fine. If you feel the same, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Carrying around emotional baggage is not good for your emotional health, so really, if you want to improve your health and you don’t want to talk about it, crying can be the best way. If crying makes you feel better then do it. Cry as much as you need. Cry cry cry!

I believe that crying can be a way to show great strength. It takes a lot for people to be able to cry and show their vulnerability to others. One that Just because I cry at everything, doesn’t mean I’m not strong or fierce! My tears do not determine my strength. I’m a strong queen, who just likes to cry. Deal with it!

So I ask, please don’t make fun of me for being an ’emotional wreck’. Just accept that I am. I’m okay with being one, and if you’re not okay with me being one then I don’t need you. (Bye hater😉)

All the love,

Queen Clo xx

18 Things I’ve Learnt Over The Past 18 Years

Lifestyle

Recently, I reached the age of 18! Scary! During my 18 years on this planet, I’ve learnt so many lessons; below are some of the most important ones. Along with a picture of me over the last 18 years😂

Why don’t you leave something important you’ve learnt in the comments? Or any feedback?☺️

1. No matter what happens in life, someone in your family will still love you.

I am extremely fortunate to have a large family. There’s so much love around me and I’m so lucky for it. I know that whatever I do, they will all still support and love me. They’ve helped me grow into the person I am and if I do a bad thing I can gurantee they’re not going to hold it against me. This means that whenever there is drama, because we’re a family, we deal with it together. Therefore, if I have a personal problem or drama, I know I can rely on them to help me deal with it. So, whether you have a small family or a large family, they are always going to love and forgive you in the end. Send a text to a family member tonight to show you that you appreciate them!💗

(Big shout out to all my family, I love you all so much, even those of you I don’t see as much as I’d like!)

2. It’s okay to cry. There seems to be this stigma with crying (especially with men, boo!) that it apparently shows weakness. This is not the case. Cry as often as you need. Cry everyday if it makes your day a bit easier. I personally cry very frequently, and if you ask my dad I cry over ridiculous things, like burning cheese on toast, I know, what a loser. However, I believe you should not worry about what others think of your tears, if it helps you to cleanse yourself and your mind then it’s okay. Lets all become cry babies and keep on crying!

3. Its okay to make mistakes… In fact, make as many mistakes as you possibly can. Mistakes are not a bad thing if you learn and grow from them. I frequently mess up, I know I will make many mistakes every single day. This does not make me feel bad or scare me; I know I am learning from them. Instead of letting the fear of being wrong and making mistakes hold you back, embrace every chance of making a mistake.

4. Embrace change, it can be good. Personally, I always struggle with change. I like things to be the same. I get comfortable with a routine. The fear of change used to be a massive thing for me and whenever I knew change was going to occur, I would become nervous and panic. However, I began to understand that life always has change. Therefore, do not go in life being scared of it, but accept it when it happens.Whether this is something small like changing cereal, or whether it be leaving something behind that is hurting you. Whatever the change is, it may hurt or upset you at first, but in the long run it will help you to grow.

5. Tell other people what you are thinking and how you are feeling. People cannot read your mind. If someone has upset you or done you wrong, don’t just assume they know they’ve done wrong. Instead talk to them about it. Someone cannot change what they are doing if they do not know they’ve affected you. I am rubbish at telling people when they’ve upset me, and it can lead people to walk all over me! I need to start standing up for myself and to let others know about how I think and feel. Whether you think it is insignificant, if someone has upset you talk to them!! Not only could it improve the situation between you and said person, it will free your mind. Keeping things bottled up does nothing for you. So, learn to have strong communication skills and be able to talk to anyone about your problems, these skills will get you anywhere you need.

6. Have a strong opinion of yourself, and leave behind the worries of what others think of you.

I used to be very worried about how others saw me. I craved to be liked by everyone, and whenever someone thought something negative of me I would be upset. I realise now, not everybody is going to like me. That does not mean there is anything wrong with me. If someone does not like me, it shouldn’t bother me. I’m not everyone’s fan, so clearly not everyone’s going to be a fan of me. I have begun to developed a strong opinion; this is who I am and I like who I am. So, it doesn’t really matter if no one else likes me.

7. Learn to say no! I’m a yes person, I always have been and I thought I always would be. I get so nervous of the thought of letting people down that I say yes. Lately, I’ve been learning it’s okay to say no. As much as I’d like to do every good deed and help as many people, I simply do not have the time. So instead of trying (and failing) to be wonder women, I learnt to use the word no. It’s much less of a let down to originally say no, than to do a half hearted job. No one is going to hate you for not doing something, and if they do, you don’t need them in your life. Simple?

8. Move away from anything that causes you negativity.

Whether this be people, an activity or anything, if it makes you sad what is the point in doing it?!?! It truly baffles me when someone says ‘I do … to please … but I hate it’. What is the point in putting yourself through the stress and upset to please someone else. You must focus on your own happiness and not everyone else’s. Furthermore, leave people that cause you pain in some way. It is far better to leave them in your past than continue to be friends with them and hurt yourself.

9. Frequently ask questions, it’ll help you grow and learn.

Got a question? Ask it. Its literally that simple. Asking questions develops your knowledge and understanding of the world. By doing so you are not pondering over something that someone could answer for you if you just ask them. Stop accepting what you read online and begin questioning them. Enable yourself to become more involved in the world around you!

10. Be kind. Not only to others, but yourself too.

I would much rather spread kindness to other people, than hate. I think in a world so filled with hate, it’s time that we start being nicer to those who are around us. Whether its just giving a stranger a smile, or asking someone how their day is? Kindness will help the world stay a positive place.

I looked back and realised that I’m nice to everyone else, but why am I not to myself? Ask yourself the question, if someone spoke to me the way I speak to myself would I still be friends with them? If the answers no, then its time you start speaking kinder to yourself. At the end of the day, you’re the person that’s there for yourself and if you’re not being kind to yourself then why will anyone else be?

11. Laugh often.Laughter is my favourite thing. I have the loudest laugh ever, and it can be irritating to others. (sorry not sorry). However, my laughter brings me joy. Laughing (even over tiny things) will brighten my whole mood. I aim to laugh as many times a day. After all, laughter is the best medicine.

12. Apologise when you’re in the wrong.

I have dealt with a lot of people who struggle with apologising. I have also met a lot of people who apologise too much!! The trick is to get the right balance. I think it is important to apologise. If I have done something wrong, then I feel obliged to apologise. If it was the other way round then I would probably like the other person to apologise. Its important to swallow any pride you have and apologise when it is appropriate.

13. Some days you’ll find it slightly harder to love yourself, but look past your ‘flaws’, and find something to love.

The title says it all in this one. We’re all great in our own ways, look a little harder if you cannot find something to love. I PROMISE THERE WILL BE SOMETHING!!!!

14. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in.

I am feisty when I want to be. If I believe in something strongly, I’ll argue with anyone and everyone about it. Even if I’m the only one that believes my view. I’m not intimidated when others have a different view to myself. I think of it as a mini challenge to show others why I think that way.

It’s important to be you, and if you believe in your view that’s all that matters. Stand strong.
It’s also important to stand up for yourself. You can’t go your whole life being walked over like a door mat. Be confident and proud of who you are. Don’t let anyone knock you down.

15. Don’t take life or your self too serious.

Its easy to get caught up in your own problems, and we forget that the problems we face are only made large when we let them mess with us. Instead of being caught up in how rubbish things are, we should all take a step back. When taking a step back it puts into perceptive that we should not take life too seriously. When taking life too seriously you limit the happiness you can get. So breathe, you are doing great, but stop taking everything too seriously.

Nobody gets out alive anyway…

16. FLIRT ! FLIRT! FLIRT!

I am a young, single, sassy women and I shall flirt and do as I please.

While I am young, I want to live my life. There is nothing wrong with flirting.

17. People will break your heart, but learn from the mistakes!

After a heartbreak it can be hard to pick yourself back up again. But the key thing to remember is onces someone’s broke your heart let them go. Or you will continue to hurt yourself the longer you cling to the past. Stop texting them, or trying to be in their life. Delete the texts. Delete the pictures. Delete them off social media. You do not need a constant reminder of them, leave them to do them and you to do you. If they’ve hurt you, they no longer deserve a place in your life. If they wanted to be in your life they would be, so don’t be fooled.

Oh boys, what strange creatures you are… Will I ever understand your brains? (probs not but I will live haha).

18. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing better than you think!

In life, we focus on our own flaws and where we think we’ve not done well. We forgot to focus on all the great things we do every single day. All the amazing things we do without thinking. I’ve learnt that I need to be easier on myself and not beat myself up over silly little errors. I’m doing so well juggling a job, voluntary work and sixth form. I should just keep being me.

BONUS ONE: Get drunk and be the party animal you’ve always dreamed to be.

Don’t let anyone stop you from getting a little drunk!😉 If you need that glass of wine this evening, this is me saying go and have it! Also, partying with the right people at the right place can be so much fun and you can make memories (some you may not remember). Live your life and don’t let others judge you for partying. Keep being awesome!x

Thank you for reading my second upload!

All the love,

Queen Clo xx